My Girl
by DreamsComeFromtheHeart
Summary: Haruhi's had enough of the Club's Idiot, the Host Club itself, and their shenanigans. What happens when two beloved members contract Toddler-itis and two ladies named Chikin and Fabulatista help? Warning: CRACK. For AlwaysTomorrow  .


**My Girl**

A/N: I wrote this for AlwaysTomorrow because I'm stuck on all of my fics. ALL OF THEM. XD

It's kinda crack. I just put random stuff. It was fun to write. XD

Warning: Gay relations, twincest.

Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING, ESPECIALLY OHSHC, BARNEY, WINNIE THE POOH(*sniffle* why? WHYYYY), OR THE OTHER CRAP THAT GOES IN HERE

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><p>Everytime Haruhi heard that boy's voice, she knew she was screwed.<p>

"Oh, Haruhi~!"

The brunette sighed. He always managed to irritate her, and yet, she was drawn to him for some unknown reason. She looked toward the twins, who was doing twincesty stuff.

Of course.

In the Third Music Room, Haruhi was studying, Honey was eating cake, Tamaki was being himself, and Kyoya was typing away on the computer.

...Oh, and Mori was there, too.

"Haruhi!"

"What do you want, senpai!" she exclaimed. "I'm STUDYING!"

"Ack!" the Club's King gasped.

"Just leave me ALONE for TWO MINUTES!"

"But Haruhi..."

"I mean it!"

Tamaki banished himself to his corner of woe, where he proceeded to grow mushrooms. Mori picked them, muttering something about making stew or something like that.

Because, he's Mori. And Mori's epic like that.

"And you two!" she pointed to the twins. "Will you stop making out for five seconds! My gosh, don't you _breathe?"_

"Twins don't need to breathe," they said in unision, before going back to their activities.

"HOW DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE?" Haruhi fumed. "That's it!"

"What's it?" Kyoya asked, not looking up from his computer.

"This whole Host Club business! You guys are freaks and I've had enough! I'll rob a bank to pay you back, okay?"

"No! Daughter! I... love you!" Tamaki yelled gallantly, scooping her up into his arms.

"Prove it!" she insisted, 'struggling' in his arms.

"With a kiss upon your lips, you shall see-"

"Fudge no, I want you to sing a song that reminds you of me. It has to be a good one!"

"I got just the one," Tamaki smiled crookedly and cleared his throat.

_I don't think you're ready for this jelly,_

_I don't think you're ready for this jelly!_

_I don't think you're ready for this-_

_My body's too bootylicious for ya babe!_

"What the fudge!" Haruhi screamed. "I hate it! You're basically saying you have a big butt and I can't have you!"

"Oh yeah... should have thought that through..."

* * *

><p>As Haruhi was brushing her teeth for bed, Tamaki jumped through the window and started to sing.<p>

_Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go round!_

"What are you trying to say?" the brunette first year shouted. "Is my butt big or something?"

"No," Tamaki mumbled, transfixed by Haruhi's backside.

"That's it! *bitch bitch blah blah*"

"I'm sorry! Don't bitch! You do that enough in the series!"

OOO

As soon as the Club's Idiot opened his mouth the next day, Haruhi covered her ears.

"OHMYGOD HE'S GONNA SING ABOUT MY BUTT AGAIN!"

"Um, darling? I was just going to say hello," Tamaki said with a confused look.

"I LIKE BUNNIES AND SPRINKLES," Mori shouted. "What?" he asked when he saw the WTF looks on their faces.

_Psht, he thinks he can outdo me, _Kyoya thought darkly. _I'll show him..._

"POOHBEAR, WINNIE THE POOHBEAR!" Kyoya screamed.

_Aw Helll to da naw, _Mori thought. _He really wants to go there?_

"I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME, WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY!"

"MITSUKUNI IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE!"

"TAMAKI IS MINE FOREVER!"

"I LIKE... where did they go?" The two turned to see that the Host Club had backed away slowly then ran to the door.

"Men," Tamaki started gravely.

"And woman!"

"Whatever," he dissmissed his object of affection, "We have a serious situation on our hands."

"What do you mean, Tama-chan?" Honey asked, those wierd flower/heart/whatever-the-hell-they-are-pink-thingies floating around his head.

"I mean, Kyoya and Mori-senpai have come down with a grave illness... it's called... TODDLER-ITIS."

"What the hell is that," Haruhi muttered.

"It's when you randomly shout adorable stuff," The Club's Idiot looked at her as if she were dumb. "It's a serious problem that must be fixed!"

"How do we cure it?" Hikaru and Kaoru asked in horror.

"I may be able to help," a new figure appeared.

"Who are you?" Honey asked.

"They call me... Fabulatista," the woman/man/whatever said dramatically. His/her/its skin was pale as moonlight, with long ocean blue hair. Her onyx eyes showed no emotion and her figure was perfect-

Ahhh, who are we kidding. He/she/it was ugly as hell.

"And this is my sister, Chikin," he/she/it gestured dramatically to the clone beside her/him/it.

"Hi," Chikin waved. "I have random urges to break the fourth wall."

"What's that?"

"Nothing."

"Errr... okay. So what must we do to cure our friends?" Tamaki, the spokesperson for the Club, asked.

"Why don't you ask the author!" Chikin yelled.

"What?"

"Huh?" the clone asked innocently.

"YOU MUST TAKE A LOCK OF FABULATISTA'S HAIR, MIX IT WITH THOSE PINK FLOWER THINGIES, DRINK SNOW FROM MT. EVEREST, AND OTHER CRAP I FEEL TOO UNINSPIRED AND LAZY TO WRITE" the author called.

"...WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT," Haruhi freaked.

"My friend, of course!" Chikin waved to the sky. "Thanks author!"

"DON'T MENTION IT."

"You guys are freaky," the twins whimpered. "Can we have some of your hair?"

"NO," Fabulatista yelled, covering her/his/it head.

"JUMP HER," Hikaru yelled, tackling the organism. Kaoru ripped off a chunk of hair, bringing with it a piece of scalp.

"GO GO GO!"

* * *

><p>"So we have to drink this snow?" Tamaki panted once they had climbed Mt. Everest.<p>

"That must have been our greatest adventure yet!" the twins cheered.

...What? I'm not gonna write that. I'm too lazy.

They're idiots, anyways.

"Chug! Chug! Chug!" the twins cheered as Tamaki quickly drank the white stuff.

...Hehee. ^.^

"Yuckyyy! It tastes like bones!" the Club's Idiot whined.

"That's because THERE'S A SKELETON HERE!" Haruhi yelled.

"WE SAW NOTHING, UNDERSTAND!" Honey screamed. Everyone gave him WTF looks. "...What?"

"Gimme one of those flower thingies," the female of the group ripped one of them off.

"ACK!"

"Oh! Sorry. I had no idea they were attached to your hair."

Indeed, the third year now had a hole in his head that was bleeding profusely.

OOO

"Now, my dears," Fabulatista said mystically once the hosts had returned to the academy. "Mix them together!"

So Tamaki mixed together the genderless organism's hair, flower thingies, and other ingrediants I didn't mention.

It looked gross when it was done.

"Force it down thier throats!" he/she/it ordered, opening the door for them.

"It's... IT'S HIDEOUS!" the hosts yelled, covering their eyes.

The Third Music Room had been turned into a nursery, with the two inflicted hosts playing patty-cake in the middle. The both wore diapers and bibs with pacifiers in their mouths.

"HOLD THEM DOWN!" Hikaru and Kaoru screamed, tackling the two hosts.

"Goo goo-" Kyoya started.

"Ga ga?" Mori finished.

"Here you go, sweeties," Tamaki muttered, sweat pouring down his face as he forced the potion down their throats.

Within seconds, the two had turned into unmentionable beasts.

Use your imagination, people.

"GET THE CAGE!" Tamaki screamed, running in circles.

"Got it!" Chikin yelled, appearing from nowhere. He/she/it lowered the cage on the beasts, who were spitting and snarling.

"Author person, you lied to us!" Honey yelled.

"I WANTED TO HAVE SOME FUN!"

"I got it! Just the song that reminds me of you, Haruhi!" Tamaki said, pounding a fist into an open palm.

_My girl, my girl, my girl!_

_Talkin' bout my girl_

_MY GIRL_

_Whoo hoo hoo hoooo!_

"Oh senpai, I love it!" Haruhi squealed, jumping into Tamaki's arms. "I love you!"

The two rode off into the sunset together, then came back and defeated the beasts. Everyone was duckin' happy!

...Oh, who am I kidding. The idiots made the mistake of opening the cage and they were all devoured.

_The End!_

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><p>This happens to be my first crack fic. I'd like your feedback ^.^<p>

Love you, my darlings! Mwah!


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